sara joanna

To my Rosetta Stone...

2010-07-29T19:59:00.008-04:00

Today marks Jim's and my 4th wedding anniversary. Four years is barely a molecule part of a drop in the bucket. While I feel like we've just begun, I also wonder how I could know him any more closely.

(Although today he asked which I liked more: Pepsi or Coke and I said, "I like both, but probably Pepsi." To which he replied in disgust, "Who are you??")

I could list ad infinitum the wonderful things that I love about him, but I'll spare you...

Instead, just one.

He's in there, poring over his stacks of resources and writing his book. He's manipulating each of his thoughts so that they're the most clear and concise for the reader. He cares so deeply for his students. He cares so much for his family. For his son. For me. He cares enough to teach.

And right now, in this minute, that's what I love about him.

* * * * *

Here's an inscription we stumbled upon in the jacket of a used Greek New Testament. An intimate treasure. A glimpse of the gratitude that I have for Jim's gifts of intellect, insight, and the ability to convey them.

You are my Rosetta Stone

making the unintelligible understood

turning shapes into signposts

bringing order out of chaos

You have deciphered my confusion

Revealed his language

And we have filled the voids

with His presence

God be with you, Mary

Stuart

Chills, right??? Love you, my Babel.

Change.

2010-07-27T09:59:00.018-04:00

He's so cute, isn't he?

I'm writing this from beneath the breeze of my parents' office ceiling fan in West Palm. Even on James' morning walk to the intercoastal waterway (only a block away!), we SWEAT. The Sunshine State is no joke in late July. And yet there's an ocean wind that makes it okay and reminds me that I'M IN THE TROPICS.

I knew it had been way overdue for an update when I realized he had turned thirteen months last week. It looks like the days of counting his month-age are dwindling. And wasn't there a time that I measured his life in weeks? Even days??

Jim is working away on his book in the other room; a rare opportunity that we have two screens to play on! I'm so proud of him. He's on Chapter 6 and the book is just getting better and better.

God has been shaping my heart into a different form lately. It was Mother's Day - about two months ago - when I felt like my affections and attention were being directed all too indiscriminately. On the day when my role was most defined, I felt completely lost and useless. It's kinda hard to explain.

In an effort to refine, I took myself off the grid. No Facebook status updates, only James updates on my blog, and an increased desire to fix my eyes on things above. Things of worth. I read David Platt's Radical: Taking back your faith from the American dream. I recommend it. Let me rephrase: Read it now.

Mentally processing through my upcoming job change has also dominated my prayers to God and my conversations with Jim. (I know he's tiring of it, but boy, is he ever a faithful friend). I needed a constant reassurance that this was the right thing to do. I had come to a place of peace when we were making the final decisions months ago, but "...you're being a bad mother..." was a frequent thought that had to be taken captive. This process has certainly been a time of strengthening my faith in my God, in my husband, and in the Church that surrounds us.

I never had the faintest clue that having a child could amplify and affect life decisions so much. Decisions used to be made based on my gain and comfort. I cowered in the truth that we are making decisions during a time called "formidable years". Formidable. Yikes.

Anyway, I just wanted to process through a little more and rest yet again in the reassuring structure of the Church. This room of the Church is a little cybery and less human, but knowing that you are reading and hopefully joining me in prayer through this transition is comfort.

So thank you.

Summer Update

2010-07-09T19:51:00.008-04:00

A couple months ago, I began feeling like way too much of my brain and time and attention were directed toward our precious little white Mac. I've cut back a little. Nothing personal.

But here are a few updates:

Jim has been home for the summer and we've been spending a lot of quality family time together. It's been fabulous. We look super cheesy taking our tandem bike rides through the neighborhood with James in his new bike seat (OH, how he loves it!).

Jim has also been writing a book! I'm prouder than a peacock of this man. He'll give me sections to read (he's done about 4 chapters so far) and its beauty brings tears to my eyes. It's a very approachable investigation of the Bible as a cohesive story and why that's important. You'll just have to read it :)

I start a new job in the fall teaching at Jim's school. I'm thrilled about this, but it's definitely been a journey. I was more than content at my old job, but when I stumbled upon this listing and Jim and I began talking and praying through it, it began to seem more and more like something we should do. As I began the interview process, confirmations were practically slapping me in the face.

I'll be teaching small, multi-grade English classes in the school resource center. It's a perfect fit for us right now... BUT it's full-time. I wasn't ready for that part. I wasn't ready to leave James. He's still so young.

My heart is still grieving and wrestling with this but God is gracious to provide not only this job, but comfort and reassurance for me. The childcare that we will have in place is wonderful. A new friend whose husband also teaches at school keeps one other baby -- and get this: he's James' age -- in her home. We'll ride to school as a family, she will take James to her home, play, nap, eat lunch, etc., then bring him back to school at 3 pm. Plus, in this situation, Jim and I will both be home all summer and have all the same breaks!

I know it will be a huge adjustment, so please pray for me. James will be just fine; I'll be the wreck. I don't know what the future will look like (who does?) but I'm confident that this is the next chapter for us. And God is good.

I think that's about it for now. James is still very busy, pushing his carts and toys through the house. Not quite walking confidently yet, but we're in no rush.

James, at 12 months:

2010-06-22T08:29:00.002-04:00

took his first steps on the day before his birthday! He walked toward Jim while I was in the other room. All I heard was Jim gasping, each with increasing excitement, as James took 3 teetering steps. "oh. OH! OH!! Sweetie, he just walked!!" After that we spent about 20 minutes cheering him on to a few more steps. Since then, he has stuck to crawling. It's a lot more efficient for his very serious business of playing.
is beginning to name objects. Ball = a low "doh"; hot = "hhhh-oT"; block = "bock"
is very fluent in "da-da" language. Also, "Ooo ah, ooo ah" all the time ... still no consistent "mama" (he only said it for about a week). Oh, that will be a sweet day!
points at everything with his little chubby finger. It's the cutest thing in the whole world.
loves to flip things over and carefully inspect.
gives very passionate, open-mouthed kisses :)
had his first birthday party! He loved his chocolate cupcake with abandon and basked in all the love and attention from his family.
will forever remain my sweet baby James...

Here are some short videos from his little party:

James, at 11 months:

2010-05-28T08:27:00.006-04:00

is becoming SO affectionate. I just die every time he squeezes my neck with his 8-inch fluffy arms. Then I die again when he plants a big 'ol wet one right on my chin, cheek, forehead, or wherever he happens to land.
says ma-ma! It started as a sort of sucking-on-his-bottom-lip-followed-by-an-AH! sound but now it's definitely, without a doubt, genuine, pure, Mama. I'm his Mama.
holds the record for standing by himself for 22 seconds.
still plays with his favorite drum sticks.
knows what 'no' means. He used to giggle at me, I guess because our voices would get so low and different, but now he's actually crawled to me and cried/pouted when he's gotten an big 'no-no'. It's pretty incredible that it actually works! For now...
is showing us that he's pretty sensitive (like me I think). He gets very quiet and contemplative in big crowds and isn't too fond of dogs (especially if it's energetic. This is okay, though; Jim and I are not really animal people).
although he's not crazy about big crowds, he loves the attention of a small group of people. He has this incredibly cheesy smile where he tilts his chin up, squints his eyes, and grins with his 5.5 pearly whites. It's awesome.
eats just about everything we eat as long as it can be cut into bits. He's still a great eater.
loves to offer you whatever he's eating or drinking - slobber and all.
is my treasure.

Walking with his 'Nonna' at the beach on Memorial Day

And then there was one.

2010-05-25T09:43:00.003-04:00

I know every baby is different, but when did your little one drop their morning nap? And how could you tell? My trusty Healthy Sleep Habits book says it's around 10-12 months (right on target, it seems).

James used to consistently take two 1.5 hour naps. Now his morning naps are gradually getting down to just a .5 hr - 1 hr. His afternoon naps are still 1.5 hours and sometimes longer...

He's definitely still getting sleepy in the mornings, but I'm just curious how it looked for you guys.

This is a big deal.

2010-05-23T09:09:00.002-04:00

I know this is sad, but on James' 11-month-birthday while we were at our friend's lake house, Jim was finally able to give him a bottle. It's been a long battle, but I think it's safe to say that we're officially the victors. Or James finally surrendered... either way, I'll take it.

He seems happy about the new change :)

A perfect morning by the lake. And below, for some fun comparison, is when he was about 2 months old.

Thank you, Cat (and the Ellenburg family) for the sweet, beautiful memories! We love you.

Oy veh! Part 2

2010-05-05T13:05:00.004-04:00

Even after my disclaimer in the previous post, warding off the P90Xers who were just itching to make fun of my feeble exercise routine, I still suffered attack. I know! Those meanies! I could hear the howls of laughter echoing down Interstate 385. You know who you are. And, yes ... I love you too.

But laugh no more, oh ye of little faith in my arms and legs of noodle --- I'm doin' YOGA!

(This was actually recommended by said P90Xers. So, really, I have to give them credit.)

Although now, on Yoga day 2, every poor, pitiful muscle in my body is quivering and yelling at me, "What in the WORLD are you thinking, lady???!!"

"Well, jelly muscles, I'm thinking that you've had your fun. All you do is sit there and it's high time you did some work around here. You're barely scraping by, these days!"

So we started with a 60 minute video on Netflix called Yoga for Health: Gastrointestinal Issues. I mean, c'mon. That's got my name all over it. There wasn't a level specified, but I'm pretty sure it's for beginners.

I love it. I didn't think it was possible, because it's so slow and calm and relaxed, but I've been in a complete sweat at the end of it. The Bow. SERIOUSLY??

And, hey - Sweat! That's new!

My back is still feeling great and my hamstrings are finally starting to loosen up. Maybe. A little.

So yay for Yoga!

(By the way, I don't need to clarify that I ignore all the om and bhavana stuff, do I? Good. Did you know that 'real' yogis were the like the boogeyman in Indian culture? Psshht... I just like the exercise.)

Oy veh, my back!

2010-04-30T09:03:00.005-04:00

It's no secret that I am not an athlete.

Jim loves to tease me about this, too. I grew up with an artist dad and a secretary mama. Every single remotely athletic gene was piled on to my oldest brother, Matt. He loves (and excels at) all kinds of outdoor sports. Biking, rock climbing, kayaking, you name it. Even extreme unicycling. So cool, right??

Needless to say, I didn't get any of those genes. I love playing a casual game of volleyball or frisbee. I enjoy hiking and that kind of thing, but physical intelligence eludes me. And don't get me started on the trend of running marathons and all that... eesh! Running for fun makes about as much sense to me as screamo music. (I know, I know, there are lots of people who really enjoy this and that's great!) Jim will toss me my keys, I miss horribly and, "Craft family athletics!" he snickers.

Anyway! All that to say, I've done a very sub-par job of caring for my back lately. I lift James incorrectly. I don't exercise. We do walk around the neighborhood every day, but that's about it. I am absolutely ravaging my lower back. And I'm only 25! This week was the end of it.

On Monday, I started a gentle back strengthening and posture-improving work out. I basically searched on the internet and stuck a bunch of exercises together. The first 3 days I was pretty sore, of course, but today I can honestly say that my back feels AMAZING. I've been consciously lifting with my legs and James and I have been taking longer and more brisk walks.

Watch. I'll be all excited about a 5K that I'm running this time next year... riiiiight.

Here's what I've been doing: (Ok, don't make fun. Especially you P90Xers. I know these are old people exercises.)

Hamstring stretches

I call these "butt stretches"

Pelvic tilts

Alternate bird dog stretch (I stretch out the opposite arm, though, too)

my version of a Sun Salutation (whattup, Sun??)
pushups
these posture exercise (this seems to be really effective)

It takes me about 20 minutes and afterward I feel like I've taken some kind of upper. Seriously, it feels great. Maybe that's why all these people run 800 miles for the fun of it...

James, at 10 months:

2010-04-28T14:08:00.005-04:00

is a crawling MACHINE. I love hearing the "slap, slap, slap!" of his hands on our hardwood.
climbs up my legs, if I'm standing, or up me, if I'm sitting, so I'll pick him up.
loves when we crawl-chase him. He squeeeeeeals and giggles and crawls away as fast as he can when we say, "IIIII'm a-gonna getchu!" He gets all silly and out of breath and it makes me fall in love with him all over again.
is getting really good at pulling up, but not quite sure yet about cruising along the edges of furniture.
is starting to squat down slowly instead of just plopping onto his hynie. Or, thankfully, instead of falling onto his head.
loves cheese. But after a few - ahem - difficult diapers, we had to drastically cut back on the cheddar intake.
has other food favorites: yogurt, ANY fruit, graham crackers, rice cakes (which are hilarious to watch him eat - looks like he's eating a hub cap), veggie sticks (highly recommend), and carrots.
has some favorite toys: drums sticks (to his dad's delight), the kitchen broom, and his tricycle that he probably won't be able to ride for a few years. He just pushes it around the dining room for now.
is saying every consonant-a sound possible EXCEPT ma-ma. It doesn't bother me. No really... I promise. Only when I look at him and say, "James. Ma-ma-ma." And he looks at me, smiles and says, "Da-da-da-da-da-da!" Ha. Yes, very funny.
gets a kick out of seeing himself in the mirror.
gets really upset when Jim leaves for work in the morning. He crawls as fast as he can to Jim's office, comes back out, looks at me, and cries. So pitiful.
will be a year old in less than 2 months.

Whaaaaat???

It's another one of those things...

2010-04-21T09:53:00.009-04:00

...that has changed as the years pass and research enlightens.

James isn't crazy about riding in his car seat, but he's become pretty chill about it as he can entertain himself with his toys and mirror and sippy cups. I'm excited for him to be forward-facing, but I don't want to compromise his safety for a little less fussiness. He's still rear-facing and it looks like we're going to stay that way for a while.

In April 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP - you know, they're the "They" in "They say...") declared that rear-facing car seats are safer for infants and toddlers. They say that toddlers ages 12-23 months are 75% less likely to experience serious injury or die than forward facing peers. Um, that's a big percentage. And it makes sense. Rear-facing seats are designed to absorb the impact of a crash and distribute it to the strongest parts of a small person's body.

Some say, "Well, I don't want their little legs to be crushed."

Actually, that's unlikely to happen. And, as horrible as it sounds, if I had to choose between broken legs or massive neck and/or head injury, well...... ok, then.

Or, "He'd be so much happier if he could see where he's going forward-facing."

Again. I'd trade a little fussiness any day for a safer ride.

Here's a great ABC News article about it, too.

But, I'll just let the crash test dummies do the talking:

**Update: Just to be clear, the rear-facing seat in this video is in the front seat for a comparison shot only. Also, the video stops before you see the inevitable whiplash of the dummy in the rear-facing seat (an unfortunate editing choice). Of course whiplash can happen in rear-facing, but it's secondary to the impact and not nearly as forceful as forward-facing whiplash**

I had caffeine after 4 pm, it's now 11:30 pm and sleep will not come, so I...

2010-04-18T23:30:00.002-04:00

thought through my plans for the week.
thought about how cute and funny James is. (*Side note: Jim and I agree that 10 months is the most fun age so far)
thought about how amazing/sad/bizarre/happy it is that he's going to celebrate a birthday soon.
then thought about how fleeting this entire life is and suddenly felt panicky.
remembered that eternity is a long time and felt a lot better.
thought about Jim's sermon from this morning that he preached at his dad's church in Columbia.
realized that my eyes were wide open.
got out of bed.
plucked my long-neglected eyebrows.
gave myself a manicure. Well... trimmed and filed my nails. I'm not much on polish.
read Goodnight Moon again, this time really studying the illustrations. James likes to turn pages prematurely.
checked Facebook.
read some blogs.
wrote this ridiculous thing.

Yeesh.

Some of my favorite 9-month-old things...

2010-04-09T10:11:00.000-04:00

Crawling is pretty much the primary mode of transportation. I love watching his chubby legs working hard with his soft marshmallowy arms, going into and out of every room in the house. He had a blast exploring the Ft. Lauderdale airport.

His little hands, gripping, picking up things, touching delicately with a pointed index finger, waving, clapping, clawing and pinching (not such a favorite), and more recently, stroking faces.

And OH, the smiles! The giggles and squeals and loud-squeaky-throat-sucking-in-thing that he thinks is hilarious (it is). When we dance and sing, his legs start kicking and he claps and smiles. Outside is the place to be for this little man.

I could go on, but he's awake now from his hour and 20 minute nap... another one of my favorite 9-month-old things...

As the days pass, I notice that...

2010-04-02T10:10:00.000-04:00

...my body is getting more sore and tired and strained - rescuing him from sharp corners and electrical outlets.

But my heart is getting younger - renewed each morning with the washing of the Word and almost bursting when either of those boys look at me with love.

The heating pad is employed just about every evening - lifting him when it's time for meals or naps or comfort.

But it seems my heart is always warm - He was dead and then alive again. And I know that it's through His breath and life that I can lift anything at all.

...body is aging and heart is becoming new.

The best conjunction of all time.

2010-03-25T06:55:00.000-04:00

My single, all time favorite word in the entire Bible is "but".

I swear, it gets me every time. There are huge sections of scripture that are honestly just sad and whiny and pathetic and BLEGH! Like Psalm 13:

"How loooong, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?? I have sorrow! Answer me! Light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death" (my very loose paraphrase, of course). And then right when it seems like there's really no hope. No answer, no resolution, or relief.

BUT!!! But, but, but, but, BUT! ...and my heart sings because I know what's coming!!!!

"BUT I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will SING to the Lord, because he has dealt with me bountifully."

And then there is the Ultimate 'But' Passage: Ephesians 2.

Oh, my glory. Take all of the scriptures from me, but please don't take my Ephesians 2 (it's also in Titus 3, so don't take that one either... or Psalm 9... or 5.......)

"...you were dead in your sins, following the prince of the power of the air...we were children of wrath ... BUT GOD! being RICH in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our sins made us ALIVE together with Christ..."

Oh, oh, OH! I love it. I love that we can mount up all this ick and sin and sorrow. Just keep piling it up. C'mon, throw a little more death in there, a little more pain. Give it all you've got. A little more stress and disappointment. It doesn't matter because, "... He had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God to make propitiation for the sins of the people." (Heb 2:17)

Jesus died THROUGH all that mess and lived again on the other side. So we can rejoice our brains out because of that one little, seemingly insignificant conjunction, 'but'.

Whew!! And I plan on doing just that for all of eternity.

Read This!!

2010-03-22T13:57:00.000-04:00

Here's an awesome article about the awesomeness of reading.

My Whirlwind of Happiness

2010-03-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

This past week has been insane in the membrane. (Oh yes. I just said that.)

Literally, every single day on my calendar this week had at least one activity. That doesn't sound like a lot, I know. But some days there were more than two and when one has to organize feedings and naps and know that some of those will have to be rearranged and then in turn plan for the imminent backlash... it can get a little hairy.

But, Oh. Such wonderful activities they were! An extra tutoring session (a little extra dough, yay!), families crashing at our house for the wedding this weekend, a date at the park with friends, family coming to squeeze and love our sweet boy, dinner downtown with my love... it all added up to a din that made my pulse race a bit and my heart expand. In a good way.

Rushing this way and that is not a good routine to get into. But this week, ushering in the beeeautiful spring weather, I feel like I'm singing right along with these crazy birds - in a ecstatic burst of madness and gratefulness that the long winter is OVER!

Meditate, day and night.

2010-03-18T13:52:00.000-04:00

I want this kid's love for God's Word.

Yes, I said 'kid'.

This is so cool... think about it.

2010-03-15T10:06:00.000-04:00

Read in a comment box as I checked up on 22 Words this morning:

... Dreams, to me, help me grasp infinity.

How else could my brain have an hour-long dream that culminates in a plot point involving a noise that ends up being my alarm clock, the little device that is ringing after I hit snooze nine minutes ago?

How can an hour in my brain fit into nine minutes of "real time"? - reader, Rob Hulson

Handsome Boy

2010-03-14T08:49:00.000-04:00

How can I love him SO much? And how is it that my love for him keeps growing??

James, Our Beauty Queen

2010-03-07T18:18:00.001-05:00

He's such a pro at waving, that he just does it ALL THE TIME. Also, check out the clapping and the *sort of* pulling up!

Snugglin' with Poppa

2010-03-06T19:57:00.001-05:00

Forgotten God

2010-03-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

What the soul is in our body, the Holy Spirit is in the body of Christ, which is the church. - St. Augustine
In reading Chan's Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of The Holy Spirit, God has put into me a fresh and new yearning to be filled with His Spirit. Not just one time, but continually, day in and day out. With every diaper change and (unwanted) face-wipe of food gunk. With every stroke and sniff of his sweet head. With every desperate prayer that, "Oh God, draw his little heart to you." Every seemingly dull moment of my new and young motherhood is suddenly transformed in the light of living in the power of not my strength but His.

It's exciting. It's different. It's terrifying.

For some, it's going to a foreign country to daily risk life and limb to further God's kingdom and tell strangers about the Gospel. For all I know, that could be us in a few years. But for today, March 3, 2010, I need the same Spirit in order to love this little boy. To feed him green beans and peaches. And to feed him the truth that his Momma loves him no matter what.

It is easy to use the phrase "God's will for my life" as an excuse for inaction or even diobedience. It's much less demanding to think about God's will for your future than it is to ask Him what He wants you to do in the next ten minutes. It's safer to commit to following him someday instead of this day. -Page 120

That's my prayer - that I would be desperate for the Holy Spirit's leading every minute of my day. Not for me, but for His Body. For His Church.

"So with yourselves, since you are eager for manifestations of the Spirit, strive to excel in building up the church" 1 Cor. 14:12

Cut the Cut!

2010-03-02T08:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not very politically savvy or as active as a responsible citizen probably should be, but this hits home directly affecting people that I love.

I emailed some representatives this morning for my small voice to be heard against these proposed budget cuts of the Dept. of Disabilities and Special Needs. I've linked you to a response letter from the DDSN that outlines why these cuts are so frightening.

Long story short, it would put thousands of South Carolinians without their crucial services. This includes children that receive essential therapies and services. Click here if you'd like to email SC reps, too.

James, at 8 months:

2010-03-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

is still ooching/inchworming around. Every once in a while, he'll fully extend his arms and hold the crawling position. He's taking his time and I'm totally fine with that!
is still sleeping well. We had about a week where he was sleeping straight from 6:30 pm until 9:00 am. He's since gone back to waking up around 7:30, but MAN, that was crazy. I'd like to think that he was making up for his first 6 months of life.
has started to squeal more and I absolutely love it. Even if he's whining, it's just so cute to me.
thinks it's HILarious to 'raspberry' his food out of his mouth. If you're the lucky one feeding him, it's not always so funny.
has added puff snacks to his diet. Also, graham crackers, but that was of his own volition: one of mine that dropped to the floor. Nice.
has no thought or regard for Momma when Daddy gets home. The squeals, the jumping, the reaching, the grasping, the nuzzling. It's absolutely, positively, Daddy Time with no exceptions. I love it.
has taken his first baths by himself in the tub and loves it!
is slowly, but surely getting used to an apple juice bottle during meal times. It's been a long road, this bottle battle... but I'm pretty sure I'm winning. Gotta get some weight on this bod.

My precious boy. My sweet love. My 8 month Daymer-doo.

Beanie McBeanerson

2010-02-26T11:48:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Katie for the awesome hat and thanks, Barb for the pic (and your unending love for our little booger :)

"Clothes, Mother? Psssshhh"

2010-02-25T14:14:00.001-05:00

I know it's impolite to talk about your dreams, cause no one really cares, but help me out with this one.

2010-02-24T10:31:00.000-05:00

In the crowd of some sort of summer camp/worship service with teenagers and young college students. My eye catches an open doorway where a nondescript man is standing, then turns and leaves. I follow him. It was daytime in the worship service, but night outside. I also realize a handful of people have come with me. I don't know who they are but it doesn't matter.

I follow the man up a hill and into the woods. To the right, through some trees, I see a campfire with an old, yet robust looking man. We pass that fire and head to another one where there are 4 or 5 people around. One is eating a log (yes, eating it), another is dancing, and another is stoking the fire. We sit down and the one stoking the fire asks me what I want to do.

"Touch the fire"

"What do you think will happen?"

"It won't burn me"

"Then go ahead"

I reach into the fire, a little hesitantly. I realize that in fact it doesn't burn me, but just feels warm, and then scoop it into my hands like water and wash it over my face. Filled with a really strange happiness. The same person asks me what I want to do now.

"I don't know. I feel like there's more"

"Oh, you just need to eat"

She (he?) leads me further up through the trees and they open up into an enormous "room" of dripping lava and gold and water. I can't even begin to describe it. There's a new person at the edge of clearing that asks me, "Is he serious about it?" I know that they're talking about Jim.

"Oh, yes, he's very serious."

"Then you need to be, too."

Then I woke up.

________________

I remember "thinking" in my dream that the old man at the first fire was God and the second fire represented facets of the Holy Spirit (but what about the guy EATING a log??). I just don't know though. It was so vivid and terrifying and felt so important the entire time. When I woke up I played through the entire dream over again to be sure I didn't forget. I've never had this happen to me.

Of course, the night before, I had a dream that I was on a VERY awkward date with Scott Hamilton.

Rethinking 'The Book of Eli'

2010-02-17T10:12:00.000-05:00

Yes, it was gory. But the plot line of the entire movie followed Eli as he faithfully protected the last remaining copy of the Bible. I failed to illuminate how beautiful the end of the movie was. Still disheartened that I was so distracted by icky violence, but moving just the same.

Anyway, I ran across this video from the Desiring God blog that moved me to tears. Tears of joy, but also tears of acknowledgement that I don't always possess the same jubilance over the precious scriptures. Yes, sometimes it's there. But most of the time, I do not treasure the words of our very Creator. Enjoy.

Gory Romance

2010-02-15T10:34:00.000-05:00

Jim gave me one of the sweetest Valentine's Day: roses, cooked a spaghetti dinner (dude, he makes the BEST spaghetti sauce), called a sitter, and took me to a movie.

We initially wanted to see Sherlock Holmes, but it had just left the theaters. We didn't really want to see the most likely formulaic Valentine's Day, so we decided on The Book of Eli.

I didn't know much about this flick going into it, but it ended up being just okay. I like ol' Denzel and the idea for the movie was pretty interesting to me. But, honestly, it fell pretty flat. If you are going to see this movie, you should also know that it's pretty graphic. Nasty. I hate gratuitous violence and I can especially do without torture scenes (not really any torture in this movie, though). Which brings me to my story.

Let's just say Denzel's character is supremely efficient at "opening up a can" with his crazy Japanese sword/machete thing. I really did cover my eyes multiple times so I wouldn't have to watch hands and feet and noses flying across the screen, with blood so cinematically trailing behind. I had to laugh, though, because with each gory scene, Jim would lean over and say, "Oh, sweetie, I love you so much." or, "Happy Valentine's Day, muffin". Hilarious.

What outraged me was the family that snuck in a quarter of the way through the movie and sat behind us WITH THEIR 6 YEAR OLD. Not only was it way past any 6 year old's bedtime, but this movie was NOT even appropriate for me, much less those tiny eyes... ::sigh::

Anyway, I think next year we'll just snuggle up on the couch with some popcorn and Saving Private Ryan.

Just to review...

2010-02-12T12:14:00.000-05:00

Before sleeping through the night on a regular basis:

(Just so you know, if we didn't laugh, we'd cry...)

After sleeping through the night consistently:

Hallelujah.

Happy Valentine's, My Jim

2010-02-12T09:58:00.000-05:00

It's an absolute treasure and joy to live this life with you. I can't wait until we get to go to The Real Wedding Celebration, how bout you?!

I love you, my Babel.

Puzzled.

2010-02-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. My sister-in-law gave me FOUR new jigsaw puzzles (good ones, too, with pieces that actually fit together) and I'm completely and totally consumed by this first one.

I don't know precisely when my relish for puzzles came about, but I'm pretty sure the seed was sown at my grandparent's house. They frequently had a 1000-piece going on a card table, usually with one single piece hidden by my mischievous Boompa.

At the therapy center, we always have a puzzle going in the waiting room. When it's finished, we paint it with craft glue, frame it, and hang it on the wall. We probably have at least 25 puzzles completed - hard ones, too. Puzzles are fantastic for figure ground discrimination and attention development.

Everyone has their puzzle plan of attack, but it's usually a variation of:

1. flipping over all the pieces

2. organizing the straight edges

3. building the frame

4. diving into whatever little space calls your name first

5. and organizing like pieces as you go

If my back and eyes would allow it, I could sit and work on a puzzle all day long. I'll go 10 whole minutes with no progress and start to get frustrated. And then... all it takes is ONE PIECE to fit and I'm back into it.

The only thing I don't like is when I'm finished. I have about 1.3 minutes of satisfaction when I run my hands over the entire, glossy, finished product and breathe a sigh of contentment. But then what? I don't glue and frame them at home (I prefer "real" mediums for our wall art). I can't leave it out on the dining room table. So I have to do it. I pick up the edges and watch my hours of labor crumble. It all goes back in the box.

Jim will humor me for a few minutes every once in a while and join me on a puzzle. He readily says, though, "I'd rather create something".

Oh, well... I think I'll go finish that patch of sky and clouds...

James, at 7 months:

2010-02-05T10:29:00.000-05:00

LOVES to eat. Green beans, rice cereal, carrots, squash, peas (blegh!), apples, blueberries, peaches, sweet potatoes, anything! If it's on a spoon near his mouth, he'll dominate it. I'm so thankful that *so far* he's been such a good eater.
Only wants to stand and walk around, with assistance of course. We try to have him on his tummy as much as possible so that hopefully he'll crawl first, but he HATES it. He'll just squirm around, pivoting 360 degrees, and reaching up for me, saying, "Eh, eh, eh, eh!!" It's pretty frustrating, because he could do so much exploring independently if he would crawl. He's still so young, but I can tell he's becoming curious about everything. But don't worry. I realize (in theory) the life-changing event that crawling or walking will be for Jim and me...
Is sleeping, is sleeping, is SLEEPING!! He almost gratefully goes to sleep at 6:30 pm and we don't hear a peep until around 7 am. It's beautiful.
Is still clinging to 40 minute naps. And I'm okay with that.
Giggles when you kiss him.
Waves!
Can put his pacifier in by himself.
Adores his daddy.
Is just the most precious little boy in the entire world.

This is great...

2010-01-27T12:41:00.000-05:00

I thought this was very appropriate timing as this morning James got his first, official bump/bruise on his forehead. He toppled over and bonked his head on the hardwood floors. This book is probably beneficial, not to mention funny, preparation for raising a boy:

Thanks to Abraham Piper over at 22 Words

Eeeeeeeeee!!

2010-01-26T08:08:00.000-05:00

It's working, it's working, it's working!

If you have babies, young children, or even teenagers that are having sleep issues, this book is a fantastic resource.

Once Dr. Stafford got us started, James almost immediately started sleeping through the night. However, his daytime naps were still a fight, didn't last longer than 40 minutes, and sometimes only 20. That first hour and a half nap, I think, was a 'crash'.

Dr. Weissbluth's advice for too-short naps is to implement an extremely early bedtime temporarily (between 5:30 and 6:30) and then during the day, don't let your baby get overtired before putting them down for a nap. I already knew not to let James become overtired, but I had my sleep cues mixed up. Here's a chart, copied straight from pg. 63, to help discern if you're entering into the 'overtired zone' (NOT a good place to be):

Becoming Drowsy:
decreased activity
slower motions
less vocal
sucking is weaker or slower
quieter
calmer
appears disinterested in surroundings
eyes are less focused (staring off)
eyelids drooping
yawning
Becoming Overtired:
fussing
rubbing eyes
irritable
cranky

I kept waiting until he was fretful and rubbing his eyes before starting to put him down, but that only led to LOTS of crying. He was too overtired to settle himself down! This morning, he woke up at 6:45 (happily, I might add) and I watched for the drowsy signs. He was playing on the floor (again, not something he would have been happy about before) and I saw a yawn and then staring off for a moment. He started playing again, but I didn't want to risk it, so I scooped him up, stuck in his pacifier, and rocked him for about 2 minutes. It felt so weird, because he looked awake and alert. But, wouldn't you know it, I laid him in his crib and he fell asleep 3 minutes later. And get this. WITH NO CRYING.

Unreal. I can hardly believe that this is my child.

Every baby is different, and I'm sure that some babies' cues are black and white and others' are not as easy to read. I wish I had learned to read his sleepy cues earlier and saved him a lot of uncomfortable overtired-ness! Momma's sorry, sweet James. Part of being the first-born, hate to say. :)

Mother From The Black Lagoon

2010-01-24T12:29:00.000-05:00

It took me a few days to get over my approval addiction to tell you about this. Plus, I know this is one of those stupid parental dividing things that everyone has an opinion about. ::Deep breath::

We let James cry himself to sleep.

There. I said it.

For the last 7 months, he has woken up at least 3 times a night. Not to nurse, not to play - just to wake up so we could bounce him back to sleep. I had accepted it as my lot in life. He's my baby. He's not the greatest sleeper and that's okay. This is what being a parent is all about.

And really, it was working fine until Christmas. When I went to Florida for a week, James slept with me every night. Jim wasn't there and I wanted a break from getting out of bed, so I made an executive decision. We were in a new, different place. When we got home, he would remember his crib and forget all that nice, sweet snuggle time right next to Mama... I'm a terrible executive.

Let me pause for a second and fill you in on my take on co-sleeping: I think it's absolutely fine. Great, even. It's a perfect fit for some families and I don't think it messes with kids' heads or make them clingy or anything like that. If everyone is getting a good night's sleep, more power to ya. I'm all about what works for your child.

Okay, Play. James is not a great co-sleeper. He still wakes up every 2 hours and needs to be picked up (not just snuggled closer to Mama) and rocked or bounced back to sleep. The slightest movement wakes him up and it's back to bouncing. Infuriating.

So we get home from Florida and does he go back to sleeping in his crib? Absolutely not. The second we would lift him up over the rail, he would arch his back and cry. So long story short, the last few weeks I'd been sleeping with him for most of the night in the guest bed in his room. Well, not that I'd been doing much sleeping. James' sleep had gotten even worse. Every 2 hours became every 20 or 30 minutes that I would have to pick him up and bounce him back to sleep. Teething compounded the problem. He wouldn't sleep in his crib. He wouldn't sleep with me. He wouldn't even sleep rocking in the recliner. He was fretful and unhappy during the day and SO WAS I.

Out of desperation, I made an appointment with our doctor. I was sure that there was something internally wrong with him that woke him up every 20 minutes. Reflux? Ear infection? What was it?!

Nothing whatsoever wrong with him.

"You have a perfectly healthy, robust baby. He's just very tired, needs rest, and can't put himself to sleep. You need to gather your courage and a pair of earplugs and let him holler."

I burst into tears. I knew that's what he was going to say. Everyone had been telling me that. I was so sick of hearing it. I didn't feel right about leaving him to cry. I had read about babies' heart rates skyrocketing and vomiting and feeling abandoned. I wasn't going to do that to James. I was going to meet his needs even if it was at 3:00 in the morning. Dr. Stafford comforted me and talked with me about the best way to do it. He told me success stories, encouraged me, etc. I cried the whole way home and begged God for some guidance and peace about what to do. By the time I reached our driveway, I was determined to give it a try.

For that first nap, he cried for over an hour straight. Of course I checked on him, but I didn't let him see me. Stafford said that would just start the whole thing over again. He finally fell asleep and I felt every single muscle in my body relax. He slept for an hour and a half. He NEVER sleeps for over 40 minutes by himself. When he woke up I went and got him and was greeted with a huge grin.

That night, we put him to bed at about 9:00. He fussed (not even a full blown cry!) for about 15 minutes and slept until 4:00 am! I nursed him, put him right back into bed, he fussed for about 15 minutes and slept until 7. I didn't know what to with myself. I hadn't had this much sleep in 7 months!

It worked. I still don't think it's for everyone and definitely not for tiny babies. I feel like my well of patience is so much deeper after these full nights of sleep. I'm not as cranky and frustrated. It's still a process and I'm sure there will be bumps in the road (ex: Of course when we decide to do this, he gets his first respiratory infection), but it was the right thing for James.

And I'm enjoying my humble pie.

A Hidden Ebenezer.

2010-01-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

This won't be a habit, as my journals are enormously private, but I had to share this entry that I found from almost exactly a year ago today. Let me tell you about some tears, a-flowin'.

January 17, 2009

Jesus, I felt life fluttering in my belly this morning. Just that soft tickle of a presence. I laid there in the grey light of our bedroom, Jim still asleep. I tried to keep my breath as shallow as I could so I could feel it ... It's so wonderful, God.

God, you are so, so faithful.

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease...

2010-01-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

I've been in and out of a funk lately. One day I'll feel, "Whew! Glad that's over with" and then the next minute, "Ugh... why?? Why do I feel like such POOP?"

It's so confusing because my body is feeling so great, fantastic even, but I've been having these bouts with frustration, anger, and downright irritability. I'm pretty sure some of it has to do with the cabin fever/fed-up-with-winter-ness I've been feeling, but I think there's more.

I sat down this morning and just laid it all out there. After a bit of praying and reading and thinking thoughts (for I'm a bear with a very little brain), I realized that it's just good ol' fashioned striving. When I think I can do it by my own strength and not that of the Holy Spirit, frustration brims up to my ears, and I end up punching pillows... because OBVIOUSLY, I cannot do it on my own. I cannot have patience. I cannot be loving. I cannot suffer for long times. I cannot be peaceful. I cannot have peace on my own. It just doesn't happen. I'm sinful and icky. Add a helpless, needy baby and it's a recipe for punching pillows.

BUT!! IN CHRIST, my hope is found! My fears of not being good enough or strong enough or patient enough are stilled. In that hope, my striving ceases. And, hey! There's peace!!!

And my pillows (and family) are spared.

Here Goes.

2010-01-06T13:16:00.000-05:00

I've hesitated to blog about this because I didn't want to seem "sales pitchy". But I can't contain it any longer.

Back story: My Crohn's returned when James was about 4 months old. My weight dropped below 100 lbs. Then below 95 lbs. The high calorie diet wasn't working. Tried weaning, he won't take the bottle, etc., etc. I was desperate and feeling worse every day.

Early in my pregnancy, my friend Susan told me about a vitamin and nutrient shake called Reliv that greatly helped an issue that she had. [Yes, it's a multi-level marketing company (MLM), which was why I was really uninterested at first]. I told her I'd keep it in mind, but that my Crohn's had gone into remission and we wanted to see if it would stay away. When my flare up hit, I decided to give it a go. It's just vitamins and nutrients. Safe enough for babies. Nothing to lose. I started 2 shakes a day on November 17.

Now: I haven't felt this good in a long, long time. I have energy, I feel hopeful, happy, and focused. I feel like the old Sara. And NO Crohn's pains. It started out gradually. Still at least a dozen pains a day - bad ones. Then fewer after a couple weeks. Then if I did have one, it was mild. Then at the end of the day I'd have to think if I'd had any at all. I'm still struggling to gain weight, but I've put about 5 lbs. back on.

I'm not naive. I scrutinized the way I felt every day and wrote down things that were the same and things that were different. After a while I just couldn't deny that I was really feeling better. Its just the nutrients that my body needs to work and repair itself like it should. That's all. Simple.

I'm just really excited that I'm feeling better. It's an answer to prayer, that's all.

Bullet Update. Cause I'm Too Tired.

2010-01-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

Christmas was fantastic this year. I told Jim last night that it was the first Christmas I ever remember that didn't fly by too fast. That's a big deal.
Went to West Palm Beach and it was a balm to my weary soul. Why can't the sun shine like that here in the month of December??
Still need to gain weight. Tried to wean James cold turkey. After two excruciating days, failed. Miserably. It's not that he doesn't like formula, it's that he ABHORS ANY BOTTLE THAT COMES NEAR HIS MOUTH. He takes to his sippy cup a lot better, although he chews on it more than anything.
Good news is that he's eating solids again (he was on strike for about a week with a stuffy nose) so he's not nursing quite as much.
My soul is happy. Wish my body would take note.
I'm ready for spring.

Lately.

2009-12-17T10:19:00.000-05:00

Hmmm.... So it's really become harder and harder to post consistently. I think it's because I'm becoming more of a Momma and less of a survivor. I hope this makes sense. I feel like I'm starting to enjoy being a mother instead of just trying to eke out an existence as one.

Every day he's making his requests known more clearly. I'm finally able to distinguish between his cries. Plus, when something makes him happy, he lets us know! I know it sounds selfish and a little narcissistic, but it's SUCH A RELIEF! I'm remembering now hearing that 6 months old is a "fun age" and it's so true.

Being a first time mom is so hard. But, man... lately I've really had to watch how tightly I squeeze him ;)

Butternut Squash Breast Milk

2009-12-08T10:07:00.001-05:00

James has officially entered into the wild and wonderful world of solid food. Real people food. Delicious food that I can't wait to introduce to him. Food is, by far, one of God's greatest gifts. If I were in a different socioeconomic bracket, I may even be considered a "foodie". I'm really hoping that James will develop an adventurous and healthy palate.

Since my Crohn's has returned, I can't keep on weight, yada, yada, yada, we decided that it would indeed be best to wean James. The only problem with this is that he REFUSES to take a bottle. It baffles me. Up until about a month or so ago, he took one just fine and now you'd think we were offering him something evil. SO frustrating.

We really have tried everything: replacing his least favorite feeding with the bottle (although, he really loves them all), waiting until he's really hungry, different bottle nipples, Jim only feeds him so he doesn't smell Momma, etc. So we decided to take a different, more gentle approach. I'll keep nursing, but introduce solids so that he'll need it fewer times during the day. I'm confident that my body can handle 4-5 feedings a day.

And, we knew he was ready. He gets really quiet and intent when we're eating as he watches the silverware go from plate to mouth. Even when he sits on my lap and I'm eating, he'll watch the food go to my mouth, craning his neck to see over his shoulder. We'd started rice cereal here and there but it didn't touch his appetite. He still ate at Mom's about every 3 - 3 1/2 hours.

Which brings us to yesterday. A butternut squash was baked, pureed, and fed to the little prince and he LOVED it! His arms were a-flappin' and he issued many happy monkey noises. It really was a blast.

Okay, so the funniest part about all of this is that I couldn't find my ice cube trays ANYWHERE, so I used my breast milk storage bags. But actually, I think it'll work fairly well, because it's easy to thaw them out in the sink and takes up less space than frozen cubes. I ended up with 12 servings of butternut squash!

I don't have a video of him eating the squash, but you'll get the idea of how excited he is to eat. Here's rice cereal:

November In the Rear View

2009-11-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

November has been bonkers. I'm not sure why, but it seems like this month has taken me by the scruff of my neck and lobbed me across the room. Can't wait till December...

When people ask me how I am nowadays, my response usually describes how James is. But that's my life now: how James is is how I am. So if he's been cranky and worn out, so's Momma.

He is growing ever so quickly. (Should I be surprised??) He's grinning and flirting and yelling so much. And when I say yelling, I don't mean fussing. I mean like hollerin' at us from his play mat, saying, "HEY I'M OVER HERE PLAYING WITH MY TOYS AND I'VE JUST REALIZED THAT I CAN MAKE MY VOICE REALLY LOUD SO HERE I AM HEEEEEY!" It's really cute.

He also ONLY wants to stand up, with help of course. He can even do it just holding on to our hands! No sitting for this boy. Those little fat, sturdy legs are working so hard! My favorite is when he loses his balance and it makes his belly stick waaay out in front of him, trying to regain his center of gravity. I also love when he makes it to the upright position and he does his excited-fast-breathing. Like, "Yes! I made it! I knew there was more to this than laying around on my back!"

Anyway, that's about it. There isn't much new, just general mayhem and busyness. Those first perilous weeks of motherhood are becoming a fuzzy memory. James is starting to become more of an interactive little person and less like a "larva-stage-human" (for you, Dar :)

Eavesdropping on a Flix message to my mom:

2009-11-12T12:54:00.000-05:00

I just had to share this little video I took with my phone. It was right before nap time and James' cranky cries are just so cute to me, especially how his face is at the very end.

Of course when those cranky cries turn into overtired banshee screams it's a completely different story.

Memory Monday (on Tuesday... whoops)

2009-11-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

Genesis 2:18

The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

What Sister-In-Laws Are For:

2009-11-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

In order to contribute to my new high-calorie diet, my sister-in-law Sarah sent me to this INCREDIBLE blog. Do NOT miss the Bacon Wrapped Pigs in Blankets Wrapped in Bacon or the Twinkie Casserole! Seriously.

Oh Well...

2009-11-09T09:44:00.001-05:00

I've mentioned before of my bout with Crohn's disease. Not a terrible case, but enough to alter my diet and lifestyle slightly. During pregnancy, however, my hormones kicked the Crohn's symptoms to the curb and I was able to enjoy (within reason) many of the foods that I'd abandoned. Not to mention a pain-free abdomen... traded that for fetal kicks to the ribcage.

Well about two weeks ago, the symptoms returned. It started with that familiar, sharp pain in my upper belly (it's pretty much contained in my duodenum and ileum. That's the part that connects your stomach to your upper intestine). Nothing gut-wrenching and definitely not the 103 degree fevers that wracked my body in 2005 when I was diagnosed. Just little, annoying whispers that mocked, "Didja miss me??"

More than the pain, I've lost waaay too much weight. I know that mothers pine and work really hard to lose pregnancy weight, but please hear me when I say that this cost outweighs the benefits. Here I am with not even a pair of PRE-pregnancy pants that fit me. All too big. And I just feel ill.

I've been advised to stop nursing James. Obviously, nutrients go to him first and I'm left with the scant leftovers that my body has a hard time absorbing to begin with. I'm by no means against putting James on formula. I know he'd be fine and has gotten so many of the breast milk benefits in his early infancy. But before I took that step, I wanted to talk to my doctor.

He said to try an extremely high-calorie diet before I stopped nursing. We talked about what I eat day to day and, frankly, it's just not enough. Plus, the Crohn's is so weak right now that it probably isn't even the primary cause of my weight loss.

All that to say, I'm chugging Ensure drinks and adding lots of butter and olive oil to everything I eat. Flaxseed powder is going in my sauces and lots of peanut butter and cheese is on the menu. After a month, we'll re-evaluate and see if weaning is necessary. I'm praying it's not. Nursing is free and easy and readily available.

I know, it's weird to hear of a weight-gain diet... and while it might sound like fun, Krispy Kreme doughnuts are not on the menu.

A Newborn Chimp is STILL Smarter Than My Baby?

2009-11-05T09:19:00.000-05:00

For a few days I've struggled with why in the world newborn babies in the Animal Kingdom are so much more agile, mobile, and physically capable at birth than my little one. Our supposed closest relative, the chimpanzee, can nimbly swing up and cling to his mother as she travels through the tree tops. Yet my "more advanced" species-boy is just now, at 4.5 months old, sitting up with assistance and topples over if left unattended. What in the world??

So I found this article that outlines the theory that because of our big brains, there's more developing to do outside of the womb. Essentially, if I'm understanding it correctly, humans are born early so that they can fit that huge noggin through the birth canal. But don't you think that consistent early delivery would be fatal to infants? I mean, just a hundred years ago we didn't have the technology to keep premature babies alive.

Anyway, if you have a minute, read it and let me know what you think. And yes, this means you, Mikey. :)

Memory Monday

2009-11-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 4:23

"Keep your heart with all vigilance for from it flow the springs of life."

My Beach Boy

2009-11-02T10:28:00.000-05:00

Thumbody Special

2009-10-28T16:08:00.001-04:00

Memory Monday

2009-10-26T21:30:00.000-04:00

Colossians 3:1-3

"If you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God."

I've Acquired Some MORE New Skills...

2009-10-24T20:08:00.000-04:00

Read here about the skills I acquired while pregnant.

While a lot of these are still in the making, here are a few I've added as a new Momma:

Whittling down the time it takes to get out the door from 20 min. to about 3
Diaper changes in pitch darkness
Sleeping on my back because it's easier to get out of bed from a deep sleep
Holding him in my arms just right so his arm is around my side and not crushed or twisted
Putting him in his car seat without bashing his head
Putting him in his car seat and buckling in, like, 45 seconds
Learning that he likes to be held facing outward so he can see stuff
Supplying a full course "meal" in the 2x2 foot space in the back seat of the Honda
Telling the difference between a pain cry, ooching cry, hungry cry, tired cry, etc. (still honing that one... not as easy as I expected)
Knowing where every creaky floorboard is located in our entire house
No more theater movies. Netflix is king.
Living a very full and happy life, sleep deprived
Realizing that Saturdays are not the Saturdays of yore
Trying to pray specifically and a WHOLE lot more
Praying that I won't pray for selfish reasons (i.e. "Please Lord, let him sleep so I can watch this dumb thing on TV")
Realizing HOW patience is given. Definitely not the magical osmosis way I had hoped for.
Realizing that this is probably the greatest and most wonderful adventure we could have ever embarked upon.

4 Months Ago

2009-10-22T14:09:00.000-04:00

Really? This was 4 months ago?? We're gonna be parallel parking here soon...

The Prairie People

2009-10-21T15:16:00.001-04:00

This is me fed up. Hence the obscene amount of the following caps lock ... sorry.

Fed up with baby books, Google searches, "expert" advice, and generally everything that "worked for another baby".

There's absolutely nothing wrong with James. I have media and information COMING OUT OF MY NOSE and all it does is induce needless worry. Since I found out I was pregnant I have inundated myself with so much stinkin' information and it stops today. Just an example: me thinking he had torticollis. The thought would have never crossed my mind had I not Google searched "baby tends to look only one way". It makes me mad how easily persuaded I am.

Now we're on to sleeping habits. Sentences like, "Babies __ months old need ___ hours of sleep or THEY'LL DIE" literally haunt me at night ... while James is sound asleep in his crib. I've read Ezzo, Ferber (yuck), Sears, Pantley, Weissbluth (like him) and all of them have the magic method, apparently. At that point I begin to feel my brain fizzle. And then I think of the Prairie People.

Ahh, the Prairie People.

Our pioneer women and men who raised their babies with, What?! No BabyCenter.com?? No Milestone Trackers to make sure their little one was NORMAL?? Sure, they had a much higher infant mortality rate, but just go with me on this. I'm so thankful for scientists and research in child development, I really am (it's sort of my job). But right now, FOR MY SANITY, I have to put that on the back burner. I don't think any of these things are bad, just bad for me right now. Everything is just too darn conflicting.

For now, I'm plenty happy with my family, the few professionals that I know, our doctor, my husband, and prayer for Godly wisdom.

For now, I'm just going to take a deep breath and be James' momma.

3 Chapters

2009-10-19T09:39:00.000-04:00

Instead of doing 3 different posts, I thought I'd just break this one into chapters in order of importance.

Chapter the First: My New Thing

Jim and I found this neat little planter at the thrift store. He hung it above one of my favorite places, our kitchen sink.

Chapter the Second: Playing Hard

I love my bright-eyed boy.

Chapter the Third: Tears on a Sunday

Yesterday was our Family Dedication at church. I cried, Jim was solemn, and James shot his paci out of his mouth 8 feet across the platform.

An Ode. Sort of.

2009-10-15T10:28:00.001-04:00

Dear Mr. Paci,

You make the days so sweet

Dear Mr. Paci,

The soothing you complete

But Dear Mr. Paci,

You make me want to shout,

When in the wee hours

You leave his precious pout...

My Biltmore Birthday

2009-10-13T14:11:00.000-04:00

This is a little late-in-coming, but I wanted to expound upon my most wonderful 25th birthday present from Jim.

Saturday morning, Jim's parents came up to keep James all day. Jim and I left without a worry, knowing that James would be thoroughly provided with kisses and songs and care. We drove up to the Biltmore Estate, about an hour and half away, me positively GIDDY. Seriously, I was singing and giggling most of the way up there. Not only was I excited to go to Biltmore (the last time was in 3rd grade, I think) but I was free to turn my Momma Brain on low for a while. You can never really completely turn it off, I've found...

We arrived, toured the home, and finished with perfect timing to enjoy BBQ and Bluegrass music over at the winery. I just loved being able to hold my husband's hand as we walked, talk to him while simultaneously having eye contact, and sharing a neat time together saying, "Oo, look at that" and, "whoooa, that's cool".

We topped off the day by listening to the Gamecocks on the radio baaarely take a win. We arrived home to a happy boy and a dinner with Nonna and Poppa.

The trip was wonderful, yes, but on my birthday this year, I realize more clearly why we actually celebrate. The day of your birth is certainly a miracle. Even though it happens thousands upon thousands of times a day around the world, every birth is incredible. It's incredible for the mom, for the dad, for the child, for everyone. It's a day of meeting, of falling in love, of grieving for some. I think we celebrate because it's not just the day you were born, but it's the day you began.

Lord of the Lullabies

2009-10-09T19:55:00.000-04:00

Jim and I are currently in the throes of sleep training with James. He's actually sleeping pretty well, but still waking up 3 or 4 times a night. I love Dr. Wiessbluth's book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. The content has been very practical and changed the way I watch James' sleep cues, etc.

Right now we're mainly focusing on getting some good solid naps during the day in order to fulfill the "sleep begets sleep" adage. We've also constructed a pretty happy sleepytime routine. Here's how it goes:

No later than 7:30 pm (if we can help it), it commences.
James receives a nice, full meal
A bath, if needed
Next, a clean nighttime diaper (i.e., the expensive brand)
A baby lotion massage to the tune of Trust and Obey, which he LOVES
A rock in the Royal Recliner as Daddy plays The Most Beautiful Lullaby I Have Ever Heard. Ever.

Seriously, within a few chords James' eyelids are already starting to drop. I especially love the way that we gauge where James is in the sleeping process. It goes, "eyes still open, rolling back in his head, cross-eyed, or completely closed". I try to get him in the crib around cross-eyed so he's not in a deep sleep. We also wait to hear a few good sighs.

That all sounds pretty intricate but tonight it only took about 15 minutes, not including bath time. It seems to be working pretty well, but tomorrow is always SUCH a different day...

James has got it good

2009-10-09T13:24:00.000-04:00

While I take an educational therapy student twice a week, James gets to stay with one of the greatest women on earth. Barb Lehman.

If you're blessed to know her, you know how lucky James is to have her. Here his he livin' it up at her house:

And what mom wouldn't want to find her baby sleeping peacefully upon return? We love you, Barb. You're a blessing.

To be perfectly honest...

2009-10-08T10:47:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like James is happy and content for about 22 minutes, total, for the entire day. For the rest of the time it seems like he's cranky, eating, or sleeping. I feel like I'm the Constant Soother, Singer, and Subduer.

Is this normal or am I just a particularly sorry mom?

Death is Life

2009-10-07T18:15:00.000-04:00

I don't mean to be morbid, but I think about death a lot.

I'm not frightened by it. Well... maybe a little frightened by the pain that might come, but really, I'm not scared. Every time I get on an airplane (mostly because of the sheer ridiculousness of flying) I think to myself, "Yep, I'm ready to go."

I've thought about it more recently because of this Life that happened named James. Jim and I have talked some about what would occur if one or both of us died. We've purchased life insurance, yada, yada, yada. More interestingly, though, we've decided how we want our bodies interred.

I want to be cremated. It's cheap, quick, and requires a lot less makeup. I'd like for my ashes to be put in an earthenware jar and buried in a plot next to Jim. On my headstone, I want part of Psalm 16:11 engraved,

"... In your presence there is fullness of joy ..."

Yesterday, I came home and told this to Jim and he cried. He really liked it, thought it was beautiful. Today, he came home and said, "Sweetie, I know what I want on my headstone..."

"... and at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

The rest of my verse.

Needless to say, we had an sweet, sweet moment clutching each other and crying in the driveway. Death has no sting at the Thompson house.

This IS why people have kids, right?

2009-10-05T16:39:00.001-04:00

To take them for a walk because they look so stinkin' cute in their little hoodie and put a burp rag on their head so they look like a Flying Nun. Yea... that's what I thought.

So here's how it happened...

2009-09-29T20:52:00.000-04:00

I laid James down on his tummy tonight and stuck his pacifier in. About 10 minutes later we heard him "talking/whining" from his room. Jim went to check on him and when he came back he said,

"Sweetie, you've gotta put him on his tummy - his pacie won't stay in".

"I DID put him on his tummy..."

JAMES ROLLED OVER!!

Brief Update on Previous Post...

2009-09-26T12:36:00.000-04:00

Just had a very freeing conversation with my occupational therapist sister-in-law. I already knew that I was worrying too much about James' neck, but she reassured me that he's still very little and usually (up to 80% of the time) baby's prefer one side to the other as their necks are developing.

Thanks, Sarah. And James thanks you too. I'm no fun to be around when I'm worried. :)

I realize I'm taking it out of context...

2009-09-26T09:03:00.001-04:00

I'm trying (and promptly failing) to read through the Psalms with James. I started about a month ago and we just read Psalm 3 today. He's going to be 30 by the time we finish.

Anyway, I want him to feel the rhythm of each musical piece, and of course hear the soul affective Word of God.

It's incredible the verses that stand out to me now that James has come and rearranged our lives. For example:

I've been mildly concerned about James maybe having torticollis. (Jim would probably argue with 'mildly') I just noticed that when he's on his tummy, he only looks up to the left - never up to the right. When sitting, he also cocks his head to the right and does NOT like it when I try to cock it the other way. We're going to doctor on Wednesday, and even if it is torticollis, there are lots of exercises that will fix the tight muscle. I HAVE to turn off the ever-active-Mama-worry part of my brain.

All that to say, verse 3 yelled at me this morning:

"But YOU, O Lord, are a shield about me (and James), my glory, and the LIFTER OF MY HEAD." He's got this one, Sara. He knows about James' little neck...

Also, on the other side of this recent growth spurt, Jim and I have been pining for some consistent sleep. Finally, last night James slept from 10 pm until 5 am. And then again until 8 am. I swear I heard angels singing.

Again, verse 5 was relevant:

"I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me."

These probably sound silly, and I know I'm taking them way out of the context in which they were written, but today, in the middle of my new little world, they were a balm to my soul. It's just reviving to know that God is there and knows all things.

My Cute Little Unpredictablilty

2009-09-21T13:38:00.000-04:00

His name is James.

So as soon as my sleep schedule *graciously* caught up with his (6 and 7 hour stretches), we arrive at a growth spurt. And suddenly, every 2.5 or 3 hours it's GRUB TIME - day or night. But it's okay! Hey, I actually found myself almost reminiscing about the good ol' nights when that was the norm. I think this is also making him a little more grumpy during the day. No screamin' or hollerin' - just little complaints that seem to echo my thoughts exactly: "Heeeey, wait a minute! Where did all those delicious hours of sleep go?? Meh!"

The rumor is that growth spurts usually only last a few days, so we're gonna muscle through.

In other news, he's liking tummy time a little more each time. It so illegally cute to me when his elbows are tucked up under him and his little skinny neck streeeetches up, lifting up his chest, more and more. I just love it.

Gotta charge our camera batteries so I can show you. :)

Dreary Days and Tough Thoughts

2009-09-18T12:11:00.000-04:00

Jim and I love rainy days. We both got so excited when we saw this week's forecast and every single little box had a happy little rain cloud. Then we had a complex conversation about the difference between "scattered showers" and "patchy rain". It was intense.

Anyway, today all the lights in the house are off and James and I are being quiet and sleepy in the gray, moist light filtering through the mini blinds. I'm reveling in his soft "ooo's" and "aaaah's". He's added squeals lately, which I love, but I think today he's completely feelin' the rainy day snuggles.

A few minutes ago I put him down for a nap and blog surfed for a bit. Molly Piper (daughter-in-law to John Piper) suffered the stillbirth of their daughter about a year ago. Her blog is dedicated to the comfort and encouragement of grieving parents, along with a little day to day stuff. As I read through some of her archives, closer to the day of their daughter Felicity's death, my eyes and heart kept finding James asleep on the couch. Of course pretty soon my eyes were brimming and I was biting my cheeks so my crying wouldn't wake him up. I'm so thankful for this little soft person that I get to take care of. This little boy who is beginning to recognize Jim and me and seems to like us. Then I read a reader's comment who was lamenting the grab-bag "Bible bullets" that people somehow think are comforting:

I remember people saying to me “God has been so good to us b/c we didn’t have any infertility issues!”. I walked away going “WHAT??!!!!” If that is what makes God good, then we have some reevaluating to do! BUT, obviously, the point missing is that it’s NOT our circumstances that make God good – it’s HIS righteousness, holiness, unfailing love, compassion, etc – it’s HIM that makes HIM good! : ) I had to come to terms with that through some serious wrestling around and many tears!!! .... - Shawnda

I have been guilty of saying something like that very thing (not to a grieving mother, but just in my own heart or to Jim) - "I don't know why God allowed it to be so easy for us to get pregnant... it didn't have to be this way." Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for that. But I have also subconsciously listed that under "God-being-good-to-us". What's hard for me to grasp is that He'd still be good if all of our babies were stillborn.

Yea, I know. Easy for me to say.

If you want to continue eating hotdogs, don't watch this video...

2009-09-11T14:19:00.001-04:00

Pottery Barn Kids sells this attractive doll set, aptly named...

2009-09-10T18:31:00.000-04:00

"Thompson Family - $19.00"

See Previous Post...

2009-09-07T16:00:00.000-04:00

While Jim met a friend at Starbucks, James and I took a stroll through Wal-Mart. We were minding our own business ambling down each aisle, when out of no where, THIS MONSTER tried to devour us!

She was under the guise of "Lucille Ball Barbie" but we knew better and high-tailed it to the safety of the baby clothes section.

Terrifying, isn't she??

Throw Away All of Your Kids' Toys!!!

2009-09-03T13:10:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe not ALL of them, but go read this article. My boss sent it to us, highlighting the importance of the development of the brain's executive functioning (self regulating one's behavior).

If you don't have time to read the whole thing, it's basically outlining how all the stimulating, educating, developmentally appropriate, (I'll add expensive and sometimes annoying) toys that we give our children can sometimes hinder this self regulation. When children play with no toys at all and are left to imagine, they use private speech to narrate their actions. This is the part that aids in the development of executive function.

The most poignant part of the article was about an experiment done with 3, 5, and 7 year-olds sixty years ago. When asked to stand still for a certain amount of time, the 3 year-olds were not able to at all, the 5 year-olds could do it for about 3 minutes, and the 7 year-olds could for just about as long as they were asked. Sadly, 60 years later, the results were grim:

"Today's 5-year-olds were acting at the level of 3-year-olds 60 years ago, and today's 7-year-olds were barely approaching the level of a 5-year-old 60 years ago," Bodrova explains.

Toys have their place, but they should not always be the main object of play - a child's imagination is a bottomless toy box.

*** Update: I still think baby toys, such as jumper-oos, are INDISPENSABLE ... but you catch my drift :) ***

Please Take a Moment to Read This Blog Post

2009-09-03T09:36:00.001-04:00

I hope this makes your day like it did mine.

Nursing To Go

2009-09-02T09:12:00.000-04:00

A Facebook poll about public breast feeding caught my attention this morning. (Yep. You, Katie :) This led me to a Google search to find out the laws that allow James to partake in meals on the run. The results made my day!

First of all, SC Law provides that a woman may breast feed her child in any location where the mother is authorized to be and that the act of breast feeding is not considered indecent exposure.
12 states exempt breast feeding mothers from jury duty.
Puerto Rico requires airports, shopping malls, and other public places to provide clean, private areas that ARE NOT bathrooms for breast feeding mothers.
Maryland exempts any breast feeding product (pumps, etc.) from sales tax!

Ultimately, I feel like it's MORE than polite to use a cover up and that mothers should use their good judgment and discretion as to the tone and context of their surroundings. Let's try not be militant, bra-burning booby flashers out there.

P.S. A friend of mine wrote a blog post about an nasty run-in with a rude, anti-public-feeding lady... I hope this helps, H.J.

10 Weeks Old

2009-08-31T15:55:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago:

And just a few days old:

They change SO quickly. Incredible.

Fully Prepared To Eat These Words.

2009-08-31T13:47:00.001-04:00

I hesitate to even type this into existence, but I sincerely feel that we've conquered the majority of James' grumpy belly. I can tell that his sleep is deeper and less interrupted. He no longer strains, grunts, and then fully awakens with a hard and cramped tummy (as often, anyway). His cries are half-hearted and not as urgent and piercing. We still have moments, and Jim still employs the fart aerobics as needed, but I think the worst is over.

And get this! Last night we put him down at 8 pm. He woke up at midnight, 4:30 am, and then for the day at 9. Each time, he awoke with just wimpy cries, I nursed him for 8-10 minutes, burped, changed a diaper, and then he went right back to sleep.

I'm still completely prepared for more night battles with the gas demons, but for now I'm just reveling in the well-rested, happy, and bright eyes of my boy.

Thank you, Jesus.

Hilarious.

2009-08-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had a dream that Jim and I were vacationing in Italy with two other couples (some of our married friends). Except that in my dream, we weren't married, but they were.

We were all laying in the grass listening to a live concert surrounded by ancient buildings with terra cotta roofs and Jim put his arm around me. All of those giddy feelings ensued and my friend Jamie shoot me an excited look. Jim got up for some reason and she RAN over to me and said, "Omigosh! Are you guys gonna go out now??!"

I woke up so happy and silly-headed... I love him so much.

Dream analysis: We just watched Casino Royale, hence the Italian setting. We also just hung out with all of our friends for a wonderful vacation-y weekend. AND I just love Jim a lot.

Yes, I'm Going To Give Unsolicited Parental Advice...

2009-08-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

Of course, it's my blog, so probably not technically unsolicited.

Anyway. I know I'm relatively new at this, but when it comes to babies' sleep at night, here goes:

We've sort of made our own mish-mash technique, using lots of different ideas. Basically, we just make sure to have a steady bedtime routine, making everything dark and night-timey, and we're shooting for a nap routine during the day. For the past week or so, even at the lake, he's gone to bed at 9:30, woken up at roughly 2 am, 5, and then 8 for the day. I'm so proud of him, especially since his cantankerous belly makes it really hard for an uninterrupted stretch of sleep to occur.

All that to say, my biggest piece of sleep advice would be to NEVER EXPECT ANYTHING. I got all frustrated, upset, and in a tizzy last night because he was NOT following his normal pattern. Instead, he was up every 15, 20, or 45 minutes, with gas attacks. I ended up "sleeping" on the guest bed in his room because it was so frequent. Around 3:00, I regrettably remember saying in a loud, stern voice, "NO. NO." I honestly don't know if I was telling James no (like he would obey and go to sleep... pshaw!), myself no (for being so impatient) or the gas no. After that embarrassing display, I took a deep breath and just decided to quit expecting him to go to sleep and embraced the fact that I would be up every 20 minutes for the rest of the night. The next time I laid down, I prayed, "God, please just give me enough rest to not be angry at him the next time he wakes up. You know how much I need." Sure enough, he was still up ever 20 minutes for the rest of the night, but I was a little more sane.

As an educator, I realize the importance of having high expectations for children. However, with my 2 month-old, the expectations are really more about MY reactions and behaviors. If I expect things that he can't deliver for whatever reason, I'll only be disappointed and yell stupid things in the middle of the night. This is where daily sufficient grace is employed. Lord, be gracious to me!

Grocery Store Expedition

2009-08-24T15:43:00.000-04:00

Grocery shopping with James is a strange combination of...

a.) enjoying our outing at a leisurely pace while watching him gaze around at the stimulating lights and colors. Or,

b.) shopping at break-neck speed so that if he DOES start to go bananas, I'm hopefully close to finishing the trip.

In both cases, he usually starts to fuss at check out. I think he gets sticker shock, just like Mama.

It Happened...

2009-08-18T10:45:00.000-04:00

I was doing laundry and had to make a pile of onesies that James had outgrown. When I showed Jim the pile, the tears started a-flowin'.

I've heard it AT LEAST 6,500 times: "Enjoy these moments. They fly by so fast." I guess I thought that if I enjoyed them, they would slow down. That's not how it works, I suppose...

(Pic - Sunday afternoon nap)

More Smiles and Even a Little Giggle!

2009-08-17T09:19:00.000-04:00

First Documented Social Smile!

2009-08-14T17:46:00.000-04:00

Incredible.

2009-08-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

I was browsing La Lache League's website and found this article about <wait for it>...

Adoptive mothers BREAST FEEDING!!! No lie.

So beautiful, on so many emotional, spiritual, and relational levels. Sheesh...

The Boys! The Boys!

2009-08-14T14:55:00.000-04:00

A few shots of my favorite guys...

Helping in Daddy's classroom

Snuggle bug...

A New Day

2009-08-13T09:06:00.001-04:00

Just a little update on happenings 'round these parts...

James' gassy belly has been MUCH better for the past two or three days. I think after the 6 week peak, things started to get a little more organized in there. Plus, Mama's milk production has evened out so we don't have as much over-active letdown (this = less gas, yay!)
REAL, social smiles are coming more and more frequently and it's just absolutely The Most Wonderful Thing in the world. No kidding, I'll get a big gummy grin and sit there for 15 minutes trying to get another one, because it's basically the happiest thing on this earth since finding out 5 years ago that Jim had the same crush on me, too!
My brother and his wife have moved back to Greenville from Birmingham. This excites me to no end for the simple fact that when we say goodbye now, it's only for a 20 minute drive! Awesome.
Jim is back at school, getting his classroom and curriculum ready for this year. I'm so thankful he loves his job and is so darn good at it!

I feel like the new "normal" is starting to take shape in our family. I've gone grocery shopping by myself with James (an ENORMOUS accomplishment for me), we're sleeping for 4 and 5 hour stretches at night, and I'm feeling like my old self again. No, I take that back. It's a new self. A Mighty Mommy Self. And I'm beginning to like this self. :)

Uncle Mikey and James

Thank you, God, for your faithfulness.

They Were Right.

2009-08-08T11:29:00.000-04:00

All those people that said having children teaches you to pray harder. They were dead on. I think it has to do with realizing my COMPLETE incapability of knowing what in the world to do minute by minute with James.

Since about week 3, James' lower gas has been the enemy of our household. The silent (sometimes) evildoer that has come to try to ruin our first sweet weeks with him. His poor belly cramps up, hard as a rock, and he cries out in obvious pain. In everything I've read, this is all very common. Not normal, but common, and usually clears up by 3 months of age. I try not to get all bent out of shape about it, although thats not always easy. James still sleeps well at night and is eating just fine. His little intestines are just learning to digest. Jim has also become a professional "fart aerobics instructor" and has discovered a myriad of ways to help James expel the demons... to his absolute glee, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Anyway, back to my point. When the intestinal incubus struck a few nights ago at about 4:16 am, I found myself praying like I've never prayed before. No amount of rocking, walking, bouncing, rolling, singing, massaging, etc. was consoling our tiny son. I found myself screaming in my head, "Lord please fix his belly! It's hurts him so much! Please!" (In a tone of how have you not seen that he's in pain?!) It's usually right at that point of climax when dear, wonderful Prince Husband comes in and takes a turn soothing. Jim is quite the baby whisperer and the awful, unbearable, what-felt-like-an-eternal belly bout was soon over.

And that's just it. That's normally when I pray the most - when I'm right in the thick of things and I "need your RIGHT NOW, God!". I'm only very slowly learning to pray quietly, throughout the day for, not only my son's belly, but for his soul, mind, and future. It hurts me that I pray more for his gas than I do for his heart. C'mon, Sara...

In the quiet of this morning, I sat reading on the couch while Jim soothed James to sleep for his morning nap. The hardwood creaked in the same places as Jim methodically walked around the center of our house, singing softly. It wasn't long before I was in tears, realizing that James was fast asleep (like arms-hanging-limp, mouth-hanging-open asleep), safe in his daddy's strong arms.

And that's just it. I wrote a post when I was pregnant asking God to grant me the grace to daily put James back into His arms. I'm still pleading for that. And trusting, little by little, that it will come. I want to learn not only to pray harder, but to pray better.

(P.S. We've employed Mylicon and gripe water, to little avail - just FYI.)

All Binkys Go To Heaven

2009-08-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

When I was in first grade, we had to put our Welsh corgy, Binky, to sleep. I was so distraught at school the next day that my brilliant teacher pulled me aside, gave me a stack of paper, and told me to write a book about it. So without further adieu, the story of Binky's passing ... complete with transcription and commentary :)

"My family loved Bingcky very, very, much. And I loved her too." The red circle on Binky's hind quarter was the wound from getting hit by a car. In the top corner are our ages (Binky 13, Matt 11, Mikey 7, me 6, Dad 36, Mom 37). We really did have triple bunk beds and they were awesome.

"This was the 3rd time she got hit by a car! And she could not hear." Which was why she was struck in the first place :(

"So we had to put her to sleep!" Notice the cross on top of the vet... interesting. Only Dad took Binky, then brought her home to bury her.

"There is a dogwood by her grave! She was in pane."

"It was very, very, sad when she died, but soon we will get a new puppy." This scene was perfectly accurate. Matt was leaning against a bent tree as daddy dug Binky's grave. She was in a thick, black plastic bag.

My dad found this while cleaning out some old papers. What a treasure. Mrs. Belk was a fantastic teacher, and I'm certain Binky is in doggy heaven, paddling around a pristine lake near a mountain of chestnut trees.

The Beach = Taste of Heaven

2009-08-04T10:20:00.000-04:00

Jim and I just returned from a glorious time with his family at the beach. I love my son with all of my heart, but it was so nice to have Jim's parents snuggle him for a few hours - many times - so we could go play (movies, beach, lazy river, pool, etc.). It was perfect.

This was James' first road trip and he was fantastic! The 4 hour trip down was without dramatic event. He slept most of the way and ate dinner in a dark gas station parking lot (in the back seat with mama, of course).

We got to use the new pack n' play (thanks, Dundor and Dar!) and he slept GREAT in it.

We hoped to get a picture of him actually on the beach... but it didn't happen... so sad, I know. I think he'll enjoy it more when he's a little older. Right now he'd probably squish up and give us his angry face when the salty wind blew sand between his rolls. I wouldn't blame him.

The trip home was a little more exciting. A lap diaper change parked under an interstate overpass revealed an astounding 5-baby-wipe blow out. I think we ALL had road belly...

Other than that, James was a champ and it yielded a much-needed relaxing time for his mama and daddy. We're so thankful to Jim's parents for such a great time.

Cheers to beach vacations!

JWT 3 and JWT 5

James and his sweet Nonna

Whaaaat?!

2009-07-29T16:22:00.001-04:00

My friend Joanna just posted "Happy Anniversary" on my Facebook wall.

News to me!

It's true. I completely forgot that today was Jim and my 3rd wedding anniversary. It was actually around this time (4:24 pm) three years ago that I was making my way down the aisle to the hottest man on earth. He's the father of my beautiful son. He's funny. He's faithful. He's an incredible teacher. He's passionate. He's mine. And he's fabulous.

I love you, my Babel*. With all of my heart.

The summer we fell in love (working at Awanita Camp)

In college. I broke Jim's thumb as we were swing dancing... good story.

Jim's ordination service

Wedding invites!

Honeymoonin'

Full circle, right?! Awesome.

*Babel: personal pronoun - Sara's weird nickname for Jim, having nothing whatsoever to do with the Tower of Babel.

Closet Catastrophe

2009-07-28T15:46:00.000-04:00

I wish I had taken a before picture of my wrecked closet.... but I didn't. I had to purge the maternity clothes and find some that will fit my weird, disproportionate, post-pregnancy bod.

James kept me company. Can you find him amidst the clothing chaos?

There's my little butter bean...

(The pillow kept the overhead light out of his eyes)

Sleepytown Adventures

2009-07-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

This is what last night in the Thompson house was like:

7:40 pm - Finished last feeding for the "day". Took James to Kyoto Express for dinner with Uncle Andy. When we took him out of his car seat back home, he was pretty fussy for next hour or so. Did belly roll-ups* (thank you, Mary Kury!) and got rid of some trapped gas. Felt better and snoozed in his bouncy chair.
10:30 pm - Finished next feeding as Jim and I watched When Harry Met Sally. Covered James' ears during the famous diner scene. Pause movie. After burps and clean diaper, I put him to sleep in his crib.
11:12 pm - Crying. What are we going to do? His next feeding shouldn't be until around 1 am. Listened to him for a couple minutes to see if it was just "getting comfortable oochy" cries. Wasn't. Went and got him to snuggle for a little bit. (Here's the rub: We don't want to put him in his crib asleep all the time, so we try to just get him a little comfortable).
11:25 pm - Crying. What's wrong, James? Daddy Executive Decision = let's just put him in his bouncy seat until we finish the movie. Good call, Daddy. Nothing wrong with James, just wants to hang out with us. (Time out is gonna work on this kid.) Bouncy seat it is.
12:00 am - Finish movie. I'm almost asleep on the couch. Mama Executive Decision = I'll just sleep here until he wakes up at 1:00.
3:25 am (!!!) - James wakes up to eat! What?! Almost 5 hours since your last feeding, you little hero of mine!! James and I have a special, sweet moment basking in the glow of TV snow. Burp, clean drawers, Mama crawls into bed with a waiting-for-Christmas-morning anticipation, "Maybe he'll sleep until 8 or 9!" A little premature, Mama...
6:18 am - A hungry James.
9:00 am - A hungry James. Sigh... That's ok, sweet boy. Mama loves you to the moon and back.

Every night is an adventure.

*belly roll up: n. holding infant's thighs, gently roll legs and knees up to his shoulders to help release gas.

BAAY-bies!

2009-07-20T16:17:00.000-04:00

Go here for some weird, cute babies

To Pick Up or Not to Pick Up?

2009-07-19T14:09:00.000-04:00

I have fuzzy memories of approaching my Momma or Daddy and throwing my arms up in the air, wanting to be held - like this:

And they would hold me. And I'm so thankful they did. Before I knew to throw up my arms, I only knew to cry. Jim and I are slowly learning to discern James' different cries in order to meet his needs. If we know that he has a clean diaper, has just eaten, burped and has had some good farts, is not hot or cold, etc., etc., another option is that he just wants to be held. He wants to be close, to smell us, hear our hearts, feel the warmth of our bodies, know of our nearness.

We're a little tired of all the different schools of thought - Babywise, Dr. Sears, attachment parenting, "let 'em cry it out", blah, blah, blah, ad nauseam... Yes, they all have certain wisdom that we can glean, but when it comes down to it, we also have instincts that are God-given.

Here's my point: Another context in which you see a person in that "arms up" position is in prayer and supplication.

And lest you think it's only in charismatic-y, trendy, non-denominational worship:

(kinda... you get the idea :)

I'm so glad that God doesn't respond to our lifted hands with, "Oooo.... yea... you're gonna need to learn how to self-soothe..." Instead, He gives us comfort. In fact, He gives us a Comforter. Again, I know this only goes so far and of course there's a place for structure and scheduling. And when it comes to "It's time to go to bed and that's it, James...", that's a different story. But sheesh, if my child is crying, I refuse to feel bad for picking him up!

FYI: It was Benjamin Franklin that said, "God helps those who help themselves," not scripture.

"I stretch out my hands to You. My soul thirsts for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:6

About 580

2009-07-15T21:44:00.000-04:00

Thats about how many hours James has been outside of my womb. I have not lamented once that he is no longer in my belly. I know that some mothers have that sadness but their babies obviously aren't as cute as mine. (of course I'm kidding ;) Allow me to elaborate.

Right now I can see our beautiful boy past the edge of the laptop. He's sleeping in his bouncy seat with his hands delicately poised in mid air. His tiny foot is peeking out from under the blanket from earlier ooching*.

His lips and chin are my new Achilles heel. I can almost stand him crying until his chin begins to quiver. At that point, he could ask me for just about anything and it would be his. Good thing he can't speak yet...

Even his breathing is lovely. Little short breaths with a snort here and there. And every once in a while a perky little mouse squeak. Oh, but if you're really lucky, you'll hear The Sigh. The Sigh of contentment that reminds us all that "I-just-eat-sweet-mookie*-and-then-fall-into-a-coma-and-people-change-my-diaper".

Oh, wow. And just this moment, all of that peace was so rudely ruptured by an INCREDIBLY loud gastro-explosion. Seriously, I can't believe that this small human can actually compete with his father at champion cheese-cutting. But now of course, the sleep is even deeper...

He's so my favorite.

* ooch: v. to make nestling, snuggly movements to either (a.) get comfortable (b.) pass gas (c.) make your mom go bonkers over how cute you are

* mookie: n. breast milk - esp. the kind yielding drunken infants ... "mookie face", "mookied", "drunk off mookie"

Changing...

2009-07-11T18:10:00.001-04:00

Changing diapers,

nursing pads,

crib sheets,

peed-on onesies,

my diet,

my sleep schedule (wow.),

our social life,

my way of thinking,

my heart,

how I pray,

my priorities,

how I look at other mothers,

how I love my husband,

my entire life.

When I told my brother, Mikey, that I was pregnant he was giddy and kept saying over and over again, "Whoa, this changes everything!". I had no idea then how right he was. Change is good, though. Real good.

The Last Couple of Weeks

2009-07-04T12:12:00.001-04:00

Wow. I feel like I've been picked up, thrown down, yelled at, and in the midst of everything fallen head over heels in love. What a weird, nutty roller coaster.

So here we go:

Labor and delivery were a blast. I did it sans drugs, but that doesn't matter. I'd definitely recommend Bradley Birth to anyone. Plus, God knew what I could handle.

The first day and a half of James' life in the hospital are a fuzzy dream. I remember bits and pieces and people that came to visit, but the clearest memory is obviously my son. Taking him all in. Studying his face, his fingers, toes, ears, hair, chin (oh, the chin...). I don't even remember nursing him that much. I just remember the sweet closeness that it brought. I also wouldn't say it was an immediate and complete bond at first sight, but more of a gradual ache that grew in the pit of my belly; a brand new, different kind of love. That beautiful ache grows every time I look at him.

The first night was restless to say the least. I tried not to check for his breathing every 4 minutes, and eventually my exhaustion took over. He slept and ate rhythmically the first few nights but then reality set in.

Nursing has been by far the hardest part for me. By the time he was 8 days old, I had already developed an infection. I got an antibiotic which has helped tremendously, but it's still pretty painful. Everyone keeps saying that it will get better - and it has already - but, honestly, I'm just ready for it to be "easy".

Now, the newest thing is James' lower gas pains [ yes this is what my blog has become :) ] After feedings, he'll burp just fine, fall asleep, and then 10-15 minutes later, urgent, high-pitched cries fill our small home. I actually don't mind the crying - but I do mind his pain. It's also cutting into his sleep time, which is no fun for anyone. We've started to try gripe water today and if that doesn't work, we may try Mylicon drops. Any suggestions are definitely welcome.

This probably sounds like a sob-post, and maybe it is a little. I won't lie and say that the baby blues haven't overwhelmed me at some points. I never knew it would be this hard. And we even have TONS of amazing, excellent help. Our parents and friends have been around right when we need them. I know that we have so much to be to be thankful for: a great labor and delivery experience, a healthy baby and mama, incredible support... I just have to be honest about what's difficult. And this is difficult.

But when it all comes down to it, I couldn't ever in a million years want to give him back or do anything differently. I love him so, so much - gassy tummy and all.

Ta Da!

2009-06-24T14:54:00.001-04:00

I was going to post a long, detailed, girly birth story of how James came into the world. But my husband beat me to it. And his is perfect. And is probably a whole lot more to the point than mine would be :)

So go here and read about James' incredible journey into the world. It was awesome. We are praising God for a truly other worldly experience.

Just a Little Update...

2009-06-17T22:18:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Wednesday night. Jim, my parents, my friend Anna, and I just went and had a delicious pizza and calzone dinner at Barley's. For the past three or four days I've had contractions on and off. Some were a little annoying/painful but most have just been Braxton Hicks. Nothing that's organizing... and it's soooo frustrating. At one point on Monday afternoon I had an hour of consistent contractions about 10 minutes apart but then they tapered off.

Without going into too much detail, there have been other signs of eminent labor, but still nothing. For whatever reason, it's just not time.

I keep reminding myself that it's not even his due date. But then, only 5% of women deliver on their actual date. Plus, I'm almost completely effaced.

See, this is what happens in my head. Analyze, analyze, talk myself out of it, pray, calm myself down, relax, analyze, analyze... repeat. What else to do except go to bed. Peaceful sleep will come and then, tomorrow, maybe my son.

I'll Keep This Short.

2009-06-10T11:31:00.000-04:00

Doctor visit this morning - 2 cm dilated, almost 100% effaced, 0 station, and a gorgeous anterior position. Apparently, I also have a "very favorable cervix". Why, thank you, Dr. Stafford. :) I'm a happy, happy mama.

Translation: James could be here very, very soon! BUT, he could also take his sweet time. Never have I experienced such a lesson in trust and patience. Good grief!

In addition to finally having our sweet guy here with us, I'm also really looking forward to having so much of our family together. What a blessed taste of heaven it will be - my heart is bursting!!