In this particular moment

...I'm grateful for both babes taking their afternoon naps at the same time,

for the month of December in all of its flurry and happiness,

for friends that push me toward Jesus,

for family that encourages and loves me unconditionally,

for this cup of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows in it,

for The Lord of the Rings extended edition DVD set that we're borrowing from our friends that will give us at least a week of home date nights,

for tough situations in my life that make me pray,

and for the internet where I can share this gratitude with others.

Very revealing...

Anna is now a little over 2 months old. We are beginning to sleep on a somewhat normal schedule, helping me regain a little of what I remember as lucidity.

In these moments of healthier-sleep-induced-awareness, I've been able to reflect upon some things about myself. Some ugly things. Some very stinky, rotten things.

Having a newborn is a great way to reveal your true self, if you really want to see it. The parts of you that you tuck away for no one to see, ever. The monster that comes out when every back and arm muscle is aching and it's 2:30 am and she. won't. eat. but would rather scream right in my ear as I bounce and pace and cry right along with her. (I'm pretty sure every mama has been in that moment.)

Dare I say it, I think those nights are behind us for now. They went so quickly. Why was I so short-tempered? Yes, I know I was sleep-deprived, healing from labor, with a cocktail of post-partum hormones coursing through me... but somehow I hoped that I'd be stronger. That I was a seasoned veteran. Puh! Yeah, right.

Instead, I'm only reminded of the VERY thin layer of Sara Control. I can make it look good for a little bit, but when life pushes back against me, I crumple. My patience is weak and short. My idea of the depths of despair would be a day in the park to some. My point of hopelessness is laughable.

And the ugliest part that I saw was that I turn to myself for help.

Instead of laying my unattractive heart down to be washed and renewed in repentance, I picked it up myself and poured another cup of fix-it coffee.

On the other end of the first 8 weeks of another human's life (some of the most catch-your-breath beautiful and yet frustrating moments), I'm reminded again of His silent long-suffering.

Of His endless patience with my fussiness.

That He went deeper into any depths of despair that I could ever imagine, and came out the other side victorious.

And that He is hope. 



... linking up with GraceLaced today!
  

Anna's Story

So here's how it happened;

How she happened, this little angel beauty:

Contractions had been teasing me for weeks, organizing for an hour at 8-10 minutes apart, then tapering off.  Tuesday night, we had a birthday supper with our friends and I diced a 1/3 of a hot chili pepper into my taco salad, hoping to move things along. I woke up the next morning with contractions 5 minutes apart and told Jim he should stay home from work. 

But, no dice. They slowed down to 20 min apart and off to work he went. 

We went to bed Wednesday night around 10 pm. I slept soundly until 1:24 am when all of the sudden a rope of contraction wound around my middle. Another one 5 minutes later and then they continued for about 45 minutes. I woke up Jim, ate some waffles, and drank a glass of milk. He encouraged me to lie back down to try to rest. 

Sure enough, back to 7-10 min apart, but this time I felt like they were here to stay. I couldn't find a comfortable position. Side lying was excruciating - only standing or all fours was bearable and I couldn't really rest in those positions. Jim pulled a chair up to the bed so I could sit and rest the top half of my body on a few pillows. This was perfect. I could actually relax through the contractions and then almost fall completely asleep between them. 

At 5:00 am my water broke and contractions came consistently between 4 and 5 minutes apart. After calling our precious Barb to come stay with James and loading up the car, we quit timing them and just drove. I was so excited and pumped with adrenaline and hormones, I couldn't stop shaking almost the whole ride to the hospital. 

We checked in and had to start out in a triage room (apparently October 4 is a popular birthday). My nurse checked my progress and said, "Huh..." I was expecting 4 cm at the most. We whooped and hollered when she said 7 cm! 

She said, "We'll go ahead and call Dr. Stafford." 

"For me?" 

"Yeah," she said, "this is going to go pretty fast."

Sure enough, I went to use the restroom, and the next contraction made me want to bear down and push. The nurse heard me and yelled, "Don't you have that baby in the toilet!"

The next little bit went so quickly. I made it back to the bed, Dr. Stafford was there along with 4 other nurses, all ready to apparently catch my baby girl. I was still in shock - surely it couldn't be time yet. After about 5 or 6 sets of pushing, Anna emerged, warm and smooth. She snuggled quietly on my chest (after yelling for a bit about the nasal aspirator) for the longest time. Absolute heavenly bliss.

Jim was our champion, rubbing my back and legs and cheering me on through the pushing. One of the sweetest moments was when he held Anna for the first time. He leaned against the wall, slid down on the floor, curled his arms and shoulders around her and said, "You can have whatever you want." 

I watched my husband fall in love with another girl right before my eyes. And it was beautiful.

We are having a sweet and uneventful recovery period, reveling in the love and generosity of friends and family. James came to the hospital and was so precious with Anna. After being very concerned with all my hospital bracelets and saline port, he gave Anna hugs and kisses and then hopped down on the floor to play with his rocket ship. Pretty standard 3-year-old behavior :) 

My dear friend Mandy flew on the wings of the morning and met us at the hospital to take pictures during the labor. I was SO thankful for this gift. These are images that would have otherwise quickly become fuzzy in my memory. She says the lighting was tough to work with but I think they turned out beautifully. (Click to view them in an enlarged album)

Just arrived and excited!

 The Man, Dr. Stafford

 Helping me relax

Time to push!

This was the moment she was laid on my chest and Jim was hugging me. Love.

Crying as I watched them together for the first time. With my warm blankets and Jell-O of course.

6 lbs 15 oz, 18" long, born at 7:11 am

We are so very thankful for answered prayers. For a quick and safe delivery and for a most amazing and beautiful baby girl. 

Baby-Anna-in-my-tummy update

I'm at the beginning of my 37th week. I'm waddling. My belly feels heavier and lower every day. I can't speak more than a paragraph without needing to gasp for oxygen. I make "ugh" sounds when I sit down or stand up. I feel her moving, but somersaults have been replaced with just kicks and stretches - she's running out of room. I dream about her face.

Two appointments ago, my belly measured 4 weeks behind. I've been measuring small, but it had been over a month since my previous visit and still not much growth. My never-alarmist-wonderful Dr. Stafford suggested an ultrasound and I agreed. A week later, the ultrasound confirmed the peace that God had eventually given me - she was perfectly fine, my placenta was doing its job, plenty of fluid, plenty of baby (estimated weight, 5.3 lbs). October 4 is still a good due date for reference. Reference, mind you, not expectations.  :)

I feel at times that I'm one big Braxton Hicks contraction. I stay hydrated and fed but I still have them aaaall the time. Nighttime frequently brings some real contractions - one night even for a solid hour, 8 minutes apart. This is reminiscent of James' birth, too. A few weeks of random contractions and then, whoopee! my water broke and he came pretty quickly. I'd love a similar birth to James', but I know her's must be and will be different. Just so ready to experience it!

It's a tough place to be - knowing that she could potentially come at any time and yet chances are we still have a few weeks. I'm trying to soak up these moments with James, lingering during tuck-in bedtimes, snuggling just a while longer, reading just a few more books.

And I'm ready to meet my daughter.

A lecture to myself on the topic of electronics... electronically.

Don't worry. The irony hasn't escaped me.

My MacBook propped on my lap (obviously - I'm typing), iPhone to my right. They're both there if I need them. Whew!

If I need them. Need them. Need.

My friend David posted a link to this article the other day and I couldn't read past the second paragraph because it was already too close to home. The part about the "itchy feeling to check my phone and do the circuit"? Yea. Nice to meet you. That's me.

My particular circuit only contains a few: Facebook, blogs, email. But that's okay. I can stretch those three as loooong as I need.

Okay, so what to do? "All things are lawful, but not all things are helpful..." I Cor. 10:23. It's not bad to have these things in my home. I have been so incredibly encouraged, spurred on, and built up by other mama blogs and friends' great Facebook statuses. There is a place for these things. Parts are helpful.

But there are parts that are extremely hurtful. The same friend (boy, you've been on a roll, David!) said later, "Kids shouldn't have to grow up competing with a phone for their parents' attention."

That made me take a step back and think, "What will James remember about my time spent with him?" Hopefully it will be more memories of reading books and building block cities and playing outside than with my head and face glued to my dumb phone. Gotta make those little red notifications go away!! Right??

So this is me, ready to battle that itchy feeling to check the circuit. To combat it with questions like, "Is there something else that I can do with these moments? Is there another activity that would be more helpful - to me - to anyone?"

I only write when James is sleeping. I try to only have specific times in the day to "check my stuff." Keeping my phone in only one place in the house instead of my pocket helps immensely. And believe me, I fail all the time. Looking-real-quick-for-a-recipe can easily turn into a 20 minute photo-gallery-tour-of-someone-I-barely-know.

But it's worthy to press on.

My dad frequently reminded us, "Good, better, best; never let it rest." I don't know the origin of that quote, but it's so stinkin' true. Yes, it's good to read encouraging or funny things on Facebook. It's probably better to look at your 3 year old. And it's most likely best to hug him and talk to him and read him a book.

Why am I shocked?

... that this morning I specifically prayed "God I need your strength today, so much,"

And around 1:00 pm, right before kids' nap time, I was chugging along like I was still 8:30-fresh? It struck me as I swept lunch crumbs from the floor and didn't feel like I was about to collapse.

Even though I'm getting bigger-pregnant. Even though I didn't fall asleep until midnight. Even though I woke at 6:00 am.

And I'm shocked that He hears me. I'm shocked that He cares. And I suppose deep down, if I'm honest, I'm still shocked that He's even real.

   

Natural labor and delivery

I love talking about birth stories - any kind. If you get me going, I could talk about it for hours and I have to be careful that it doesn't become a too-much-information conversation... in fact, you may want to read this post with caution.  ;)

I count it a privilege and honor to be able to grow and birth another person. Every experience from woman to woman is different and special to her. Some mamas want pain management, others schedule c-sections for a a variety of reasons. Jim and I prefer to prepare for a non-medicated birth. And yes, I did mean to include Jim in that phrase. During James' labor, he was my rock. He could help me relax every muscle from head to toe with just a few words and touches.

Here's my man, bearing as much of the burden as he could. (James' labor)

So, other than lowering risks of further interventions and distress, what is the point of feeling the pain and going with a natural labor? Why do that to myself? Why do it the old way?

I've readdressed this question with myself and thought I'd share it with you. I will also say that this is an endeavor that we have chosen. Just like some choose to run a marathon... I don't choose that particular endeavor. That training is pain that thousands of people choose every day because of the satisfaction, accomplishment, health, and wellness that they find at the end. But likewise, I don't want someone haranguing me to choose that feat if I don't want to. I will explain my reasons to you, but it's obviously your decision. Convictions are like belly buttons.  :)

I've had many friends with beautiful, successful labors that included pain reducing drugs and I don't devalue those experiences in the least. In fact, I did use pain management; just a different kind. I don't want to feel pain. Pain hurts. Pain reminds us that we're breakable. That we're dependent. And that can be scary. But it can also be good. 

There are also different kinds of pain. There is pain from injury, pain from an accident, pain from misuse, but none of those describe the pain caused by an effective contraction. Yes, there are injuries during childbirth - tearing is a good example - but they don't always happen and don't have to happen. Each contraction can be seen as a tool. A strong, sometimes extremely intense tool, that brings my baby out into the world. One of the most powerful phrases that Jim says to me during a contraction is, "Let it do the work..." That helps me to tell each of my muscles to relax and not work against the effectual contraction.

Another way to work with contractions is by position. We asked to have an IV port (you can see it in the pic) instead of a full IV so that I could move around. If a contraction was particularly intense, sometimes just switching position, walking, or swaying could help.

Not numbing the pain allows me to be completely present and in control for each phase of labor. The pain that comes with dilating contractions is completely different than the urge to push and I like to be able to feel when and how much to engage.  

If you're interested in having a natural delivery, I'd definitely recommend preparing ahead of time. Bradley Birth gives exercises, nutritional guides, practice relaxation plans, and tons of information about every stage of labor. Simply knowing, "Oh, I just barfed and my pain feels almost out of control... I must be going through transition," was so empowering. Going into it simply hoping to go as far as you can may not be the best game plan. That said, we also know all of our plans could go out the window if something unexpected happens (which is a reason we feel most comfortable in a hospital setting.)

Our approach to childbirth is specific to us as a family. We completed Bradley Birth training, but chose to have a hospital birth. I don't want pain drugs during labor but once baby's out, bring on the high-powered Motrin! 

I'm excited - and yes, there's a little fear mixed in - to see how Anna Jubilee's delivery will turn out. One thing is certain, it will be an adventure. All adventures include pain, unknowns, twists and turns. I'm also looking forward to sharing our birth story and hearing others', too! What a cool, miraculous part of this life.

**EDIT - I cannot forget to mention, we also used an amazing doula, Angel, and I was SO thankful for her presence. Definitely recommend!