Friday, September 6, 2013

Filling bellies

Come into my morning if you will.

I shuffle, still haven't spoken words, into the coffee maker, the toaster, the cereal bowls, the milk. Fill the empty bellies. Anna is crawling around my feet, pulling up to my legs to be held. James is asking if I want to play Legos. Really so sweetly and with such good manners that it hurts my heart to say no... again. 

And the day begins. My brain is already searching for my own space. Push away. Leave me alone for - just - one - minute - PLEASE. No solace. Where's the quiet that was so fleeting with sleep? 

I sit with my breakfast, take one bite. 

"No, no more juice. Fill your cup with water if you're still thirsty."

"Anna, are you already stinky?"

"You don't have to announce that you footahed, James. Just say excuse me."

I don't think I have finished one complete thought yet.

Anna soon goes down for her morning nap. Ah. James is playing Legos at the dining room table. Yet still I am on edge. The day isn't half over and I feel so panicky. Crazy. Still bitter inside, even as I sit with my now-room-temp-coffee. Just waiting for one more interruption, to feel justified in my internal wrath. 

I open my Bible to Matthew's account. 

I see here that Jesus, too, was once on edge. His cousin, his dear close friend, the one who baptized him was just murdered. Beheaded. A bigger deal than my semi-chaotic-first-world-breakfast-morning, I suppose.

He was in mourning and wanted to be alone. He needed quiet. And for excellent cause.

But he didn't get it. THRONGS of people searched for him and found him. THOUSANDS of people interrupted him. They interrupted his agony and his need to have complete thoughts about the death of his friend. 

So where was his bitterness? Where was his lashing out and his leave me alone for just - one - minute?

It was lost and gone. Killed by his compassion for the hungry bellies in front of him. And he fed them - all of them - until they were satisfied.

He still needed to be alone, though, and that time did come. He went high on a mountain to pray and found his quiet after they were all gone. But I see that in the meantime, in the interruptions, he was patient. And compassionate. And so generous and gentle. I have a feeling he wouldn't even call them interruptions.

And so when the inevitable chatter began again, I was thankful to find my heart a little softer. At least this time. Grace for today.