Monday, January 11, 2010

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease...

I've been in and out of a funk lately. One day I'll feel, "Whew! Glad that's over with" and then the next minute, "Ugh... why?? Why do I feel like such POOP?"

It's so confusing because my body is feeling so great, fantastic even, but I've been having these bouts with frustration, anger, and downright irritability. I'm pretty sure some of it has to do with the cabin fever/fed-up-with-winter-ness I've been feeling, but I think there's more.

I sat down this morning and just laid it all out there. After a bit of praying and reading and thinking thoughts (for I'm a bear with a very little brain), I realized that it's just good ol' fashioned striving. When I think I can do it by my own strength and not that of the Holy Spirit, frustration brims up to my ears, and I end up punching pillows... because OBVIOUSLY, I cannot do it on my own. I cannot have patience. I cannot be loving. I cannot suffer for long times. I cannot be peaceful. I cannot have peace on my own. It just doesn't happen. I'm sinful and icky. Add a helpless, needy baby and it's a recipe for punching pillows.

BUT!! IN CHRIST, my hope is found! My fears of not being good enough or strong enough or patient enough are stilled. In that hope, my striving ceases. And, hey! There's peace!!!

And my pillows (and family) are spared.

5 comments:

jim thompson said...

almost crying in my office. i loveth thee, my dear.

The Via Colony said...

I love your honesty Sara! Thank you for being so transparent. You are def. not alone in this struggle of mommy-hood, hormonal striving. You are so wise to know that it is not us but Christ.

Susan Sene said...

such an encouraging post! thanks for sharing!

Helen Joy said...

I feel like I've been in a funk for a couple months:-( It's so up and down. But you are so right. I cannot do it. Only through Christ. What a precious picture of you and James!!! You're a wonderful mommy.

Unknown said...

Such wisdom, Sara. I'm so encouraged by what you share. Oh, how I've struggled with this for way too long. The Holy Spirit has given you a deep understanding of things that many of us don't get until much later in life.